Deadbeat

I hate my baby daddy.  I hate, hate, hate, him.  I wish he would disappear.  He is such a loser, such a degenerate, so selfish, so irresponsible.  I can't help but wonder what kind of influence he is having over our two kids.  I wonder how they feel about having a father who is clearly such a loser.  I feel bad writing this as they may read this blog, but they are old enough to know anyway.  They deserve much better than what their father does for them.  He can't offer them anything except love, which is nice but it takes so much more than that to raise a child.  I know that he loves them, but the problem is that he loves himself more.  His needs/wants will ALWAYS trump their needs.  He puts himself before everything and everyone, and you just can't be a good parent (or a good person in general for that matter) when your world is all about you.  If he knows that somebody else will take care of it then he won't do it.  It doesn't matter if it his responsibility, if he can get out of having to act like an adult he sure as hell will try.   

I just recieved a letter in the mail telling me I have to go to court.  Again.  At first I thought he was suing me for custody (again), but instead he wants his child support lowered.  Now, this wouldn't be so annoying if he actually paid child support.  He hasn't paid a dime of child support in the past 18 months, and I only recieved a payment then because the state seized his tax return.  If the state would not have seized it, I never would have gotten that either.   This man has paid about $3,000 (this is a generous figure) in child support in the past 6 years.  He never provided for them when we were together either, all the responsibility has always fell on me.   His child support is already VERY LOW, I don't see how it could get any lower.  His support order is less than $300 per month for TWO children.  I have a phone bill that is more than $300 (thank you kids...ughh) He doesn't help out in other ways either.  I buy all their clothing, school supplies, pay for activities, you name it I pay it. 

I hate him because now I have to take time out of my day to go to court over child support that he isn't going to pay anyway.  He wants the support order reduced by 20%  and he wants everything he owes that is in arrears reduced as well.  He claims he has been on SSI since 2009 so he doesn't owe as much as they claim he should owe.  I have known for a while that he is recieving SSI, and I also know that he is cheating the system and that he does work under the table.  He has always been manipulative, a scammer, always looking to cheat the system anyway he can.  I will surely bring these issues up in court, and even though I know he will never pay any amount of support, it will be a cold day in hell before I let him walk away scott free because he is claiming to be "disabled."  He has three additional children and another baby on the way, so he isn't too disabled to procreate but he is certainly too disabled to seek and maintain employment so that he could help contribute financially for the children his disabled body managed to make.       

I really don't understand these "parents" who think that they shouldn't have to do anything.  This is the last thing I want to deal with right now.  Money is very tight for me right now, and with school rapidly approaching I know it means new clothes, school supplies, and school fees.  I also need to scrape together money to get them in to the dentist and eye doctor before school starts.  But who cares about what they need, as long as he has some extra cash that's all that matters.  But wait....he doesn't even pay and he's not going to!  Whether his support order is $50 or $500, it wouldn't matter.  Not only does he not pay me, but now he is going to waste a great deal of my time and gas for money that he doesn't pay anyway.  Fawk you deadbeat!

Misogyny

While I was at work a few weeks ago, I overheard a conversation between some of my coworkers.  One girl, lets call her L, was talking to another group of women.  L is splitting with her live in boyfriend and they share a very young child together.  They are struggling to find a custody situation that will suit both of them, and he wants to be the primary parent.  L goes on to say that she believes this is best because she thinks it will be too hard for her and she admits that he is more qualified to raise the child.  I thought it took a lot of guts for her to admit that, and she shouldn't be ashamed to admit that.  Sometimes, someone else IS better equipped to care for a child.  Now the reactions of my coworkers SHOCKED me.  L was pretty much told to fight tooth and nail for her daughter, that she could do it, and it summed up to:

"Don't let some dude raise a baby.  We all know women are much better equipped to handle a child.  It doesn't matter what the situation is, everyone will think you're a bad mommy if you give him custody.  We will think you're bad and it will be true 'cause you 'let' your baby live with the father." 

Nobody seemed to listen to the fact that SHE SAID he was more qualified.  His schedule worked better, he was more patient, and he was a loving and devoted dad according to L.  She did not want the full time responsibility and found it to be too challenging.  Now, she probably could have stepped up to the plate if she had full custody, but she didn't have to.  She had a perfectly acceptable person (the child's FATHER!!) who was more than happy and willing to do it.  She may be a great mother, but she knew her daughter was better off staying with her father.  I really didn't understand the reactions of some my coworkers, it was as if the guy was an asshole for even thinking about asking for custody.  If she was a terrible mother and left him with the baby, then that would be different.  But to want custody?  How horrible for a man to want full custody without it being forced upon him.  How dare a father want to be a father.

The only reason she was being tsk tsked at was because she was a mom and a "real" mom doesn't "give up" custody of their kid.  The idea that a man couldn't possibly do a good job, or that it doesn't matter how awesome a dad may be, staying with a mediocre mom is far better because a dad has icky man parts.  This kind of thinking is beyond wrong and blatantly sexist.  No, I don't think L is mediocre, she is probably a great mom.  There's even the chance that she is being too hard on herself.  BUT, if someone is admitting to me that the best place for their child is to live with the other parent, I'm going to respect that.  I will respect it whether it is a man or woman who tells me this. 

I hate misogyny.  This kind of thinking isn't just bad for men, but bad for women.  It further enforces the stereotype that all women are made to do is make babies and bake stuff.  That if you aren't better than a man at baby raisin' and bread bakin,' then who are you better than?  You must be a pretty lousy mom if (gasp) a man is better off taking care of the child.  A man is only a few steps better than a pack of wolves.  This kind of thinking takes us all back.