Misogyny

While I was at work a few weeks ago, I overheard a conversation between some of my coworkers.  One girl, lets call her L, was talking to another group of women.  L is splitting with her live in boyfriend and they share a very young child together.  They are struggling to find a custody situation that will suit both of them, and he wants to be the primary parent.  L goes on to say that she believes this is best because she thinks it will be too hard for her and she admits that he is more qualified to raise the child.  I thought it took a lot of guts for her to admit that, and she shouldn't be ashamed to admit that.  Sometimes, someone else IS better equipped to care for a child.  Now the reactions of my coworkers SHOCKED me.  L was pretty much told to fight tooth and nail for her daughter, that she could do it, and it summed up to:

"Don't let some dude raise a baby.  We all know women are much better equipped to handle a child.  It doesn't matter what the situation is, everyone will think you're a bad mommy if you give him custody.  We will think you're bad and it will be true 'cause you 'let' your baby live with the father." 

Nobody seemed to listen to the fact that SHE SAID he was more qualified.  His schedule worked better, he was more patient, and he was a loving and devoted dad according to L.  She did not want the full time responsibility and found it to be too challenging.  Now, she probably could have stepped up to the plate if she had full custody, but she didn't have to.  She had a perfectly acceptable person (the child's FATHER!!) who was more than happy and willing to do it.  She may be a great mother, but she knew her daughter was better off staying with her father.  I really didn't understand the reactions of some my coworkers, it was as if the guy was an asshole for even thinking about asking for custody.  If she was a terrible mother and left him with the baby, then that would be different.  But to want custody?  How horrible for a man to want full custody without it being forced upon him.  How dare a father want to be a father.

The only reason she was being tsk tsked at was because she was a mom and a "real" mom doesn't "give up" custody of their kid.  The idea that a man couldn't possibly do a good job, or that it doesn't matter how awesome a dad may be, staying with a mediocre mom is far better because a dad has icky man parts.  This kind of thinking is beyond wrong and blatantly sexist.  No, I don't think L is mediocre, she is probably a great mom.  There's even the chance that she is being too hard on herself.  BUT, if someone is admitting to me that the best place for their child is to live with the other parent, I'm going to respect that.  I will respect it whether it is a man or woman who tells me this. 

I hate misogyny.  This kind of thinking isn't just bad for men, but bad for women.  It further enforces the stereotype that all women are made to do is make babies and bake stuff.  That if you aren't better than a man at baby raisin' and bread bakin,' then who are you better than?  You must be a pretty lousy mom if (gasp) a man is better off taking care of the child.  A man is only a few steps better than a pack of wolves.  This kind of thinking takes us all back.