Things have been insane. It's not that I have had nothing to write about, but I had zero time and no Internet access at my new home to write something. But things have changed. I now have the Internet, a loaned laptop, and a few spare minutes.
I have officially split with my husband. We are now in separate homes, two and a half hours away from each other. I have been feeling a lot better than I thought I would. It's amazing the comfort that my four kids can provide. I also LOVE my new house. We are all adjusting quite well and I love my much shorter commute to work.
What's new? Hmmmmm.....tons. I'll start with the awesome. There is a two year old on my lap as I write this so my time is dwindling. Damn. Oh, there is a Whole Foods. I love Whole Foods. I love that it is finally HOT. I love summer!! I love spending more time with my children. I don't love them just because they are my children, but because they are funny, interesting, intelligent, sweet, and did I mention they are FUNNY? Well, at least my oldest two children. We are still waiting on my twins to start talking but that's a whole different story. I love them anyway. I love my house. I love personalizing it, it grows on me more and more each day. I love cooking something everyday and eating it with my kids. I am enjoying the small things and looking forward to the future.
The not so awesome. I didn't have my trash can faced the 'right' way and my very full garbage was not picked up this week. My trash can also became a fly haven and we all know what happens when flies discover trash. That's right, I got a trash can full of maggots. Disgusting. I definitely won't miss trash day ever. Lesson learned at least. I am also broke. Actually broke is putting it nicely. Too many bills, not enough money, too much work. I have been working 6 nights a week. I can't wait until I can cut back to five nights a week and spend more time with my kids. I am exhausted most of the time. It can be tough having to do everything yourself, without a partner to help you. My husband is a great help, but we live far away from each other. There is nobody to help give baths, make dinner, clean, it all falls on me. It's tough. It never feels like I have enough time. Now, one of my two year olds is playing with my lamp. He's so cute. I am going to let him play with my cell phone so I can finish this post.....okay, I'm finished.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Salvation
Sometimes I wonder what my purpose in life is. Sometimes I have "Why are we here?," thoughts. I am in fact an atheist and I think there are a lot of misconceptions about atheists. I don't believe in any sort of higher power, but it doesn't mean I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in any god(s), or any sort of afterlife, but I do believe in love, happiness, the good in all of us, and the humanity that bonds us all together. I think a lot of people think atheists don't care about life, or don't have morals. I don't know where this idea comes from, and many religious people (thankfully) don't take ALL of their morals from the bible anyway. We really don't need the bible to tell us not to murder, cheat, lie, and steal right? Just because I don't believe in someone watching over me, waiting to punish me for not worshiping enough, doesn't mean I don't care about anything. I care more about my life than I ever have.
Since I don't believe in heaven (or hell), I believe this is my one shot. I don't get another life and once this one ends, it's just over. It makes me think a lot about what I want to be remembered as, what I want my legacy to be. I believe I will live on. Not because of something supernatural, but because I will live on through my children, and through my family and friends who knew me and loved me. Therefore I don't die, my memory is still alive, still passed down. I only have one chance at my life, and it makes me appreciate it more. I don't just appreciate mine, I appreciate everyone's life as well.
In a conversation with a friend of mine, he couldn't believe I didn't believe in anything. "You have to believe in something, even if you just believe there is something out there," he tells me. I didn't understand his rationale, and I was honestly getting annoyed by his questions. I don't like having religious arguments because it is usually pointless and I always hear the same tired points. If people choose to believe in something, fine I accept that. Now my friend is not religious by any means, he doesn't believe in a 'common' god such as Allah or Jesus, but just believes there is 'something' out there. My friend is really a deist and not a theist. I'm not saying there is something wrong with believing there is something out there, I just don't believe that. I don't like it when I'm made to feel that there must be something wrong with me if I don't believe that. I know my friend wasn't intentionally trying to make me feel that way, but that is how I felt. I also couldn't find the right way to express my thoughts at the time so that didn't help either.
My friend couldn't even describe to me what exactly this 'something' does, nor describe how much this 'something' intervenes in our lives. I wasn't sure what point he was trying to make and then he seemed to tell me he believes "just in case." I hate this argument. Doubt is doubt, and if there happens to be some god who is petty enough to punish you for doubt, you don't think he would see through your half hearted attempt to cover your bases? Surely someone who is smart enough to create the universe will see through your half ass attempt. If the god is not interactive in our day to day lives anyway, then I didn't understand how there could be any harm in not believing in him? If he is just there to stand back and watch, why does my acknowledgement even matter? I just don't get it. I don't see how not having a belief of some sort makes me have a piece missing. Then there raises a problem that what if you haven't acknowledged the right sort of god? Would he be mad? Do you get extra credit if you pick the right god? Do you get some credit if you aren't a silly atheist, I mean at least you were smart enough to believe in something!
Why would someone who is god need something as petty as validation? Why would a god go out of his way to make himself incredibly illusive and inaccessible only to want constant praise and acknowledgement? That never made sense to me, there is always the "free will" argument, but according to the bible Jesus himself still had his naysayers even with the "miracles" he performed. God interacting with people didn't seem to cure sin and there have always been non believers according to the bible. Sooooo.......my evidence is a 2,000 year old of book of inaccuracies and asinine stories, and their evidence was a dude walking on water. Hardly seems fair. Yes, I do have issues with theism. I cannot embrace a system where women are second class, homosexuals are evil, and you are guilty and worthy of hell simply for being born. I hate to see people living their life in preparation for their death.
To me life seems to be random and spontaneous. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes innocent people suffer, and 'evil' people prosper. I think a universe with 'something' out there would be a COMPLETELY different universe than the one we have. The more I understand science, the less I understand god. My friend was asking me about little feelings, I assume he meant our conscious. He was wondering where we get our instincts from, asking me where I thought we get our emotions from. All of our emotions are instruments to survival. Traits passed down to ensure our survival as a species. The reason so few of us are serial killers is because we lack the traits to be one. We feel empathy because empathetic people are more likely to care their loved ones. If we all want to kill each other, there's not much hope for us as a species. It really makes sense to me why we get "bad feelings" in our gut about certain things. I can also see these same traits in every living thing, each having its own way of sensing danger. We humans like to think we are oh-so superior and special, but we are not that much different from other species.
My friend tells me that we all need something to draw strength from. I understand this but when he said this I got a little angry. I was a bit touchy that day, and I do tend to get ranty when I think someone is trying to tell me what I should believe. I don't go to churches and slap bibles out of people's hands, or visit theist websites to tell them they are wrong and silly. You don't need a god to have something to draw strength from. If you want to use a god, to each their own, but you don't need a god in order to do that. I draw strength from knowing that my life is my own. I draw strength from knowing that I can strive to be whatever I want. I draw strength from knowing the world is filled with endless possibilities. I draw strength from knowing there are a lot people who are far less fortunate than me, yet they keep striving and doing the best with what they've got. I draw strength from my husband, my best friend and truly one of my heroes. I draw strength from knowing where I have been and that I survived. I draw strength when I see the goodwill and kindness of humanity. Most importantly, I draw strength from my children. They give my life more purpose than one could imagine. Their love is what keeps me uplifted sometimes. I want to be a good example for them, to love them, to teach them, to protect them the best I can, to never be far from them. I want them to feel loved and secure. My children are my salvation.
Since I don't believe in heaven (or hell), I believe this is my one shot. I don't get another life and once this one ends, it's just over. It makes me think a lot about what I want to be remembered as, what I want my legacy to be. I believe I will live on. Not because of something supernatural, but because I will live on through my children, and through my family and friends who knew me and loved me. Therefore I don't die, my memory is still alive, still passed down. I only have one chance at my life, and it makes me appreciate it more. I don't just appreciate mine, I appreciate everyone's life as well.
In a conversation with a friend of mine, he couldn't believe I didn't believe in anything. "You have to believe in something, even if you just believe there is something out there," he tells me. I didn't understand his rationale, and I was honestly getting annoyed by his questions. I don't like having religious arguments because it is usually pointless and I always hear the same tired points. If people choose to believe in something, fine I accept that. Now my friend is not religious by any means, he doesn't believe in a 'common' god such as Allah or Jesus, but just believes there is 'something' out there. My friend is really a deist and not a theist. I'm not saying there is something wrong with believing there is something out there, I just don't believe that. I don't like it when I'm made to feel that there must be something wrong with me if I don't believe that. I know my friend wasn't intentionally trying to make me feel that way, but that is how I felt. I also couldn't find the right way to express my thoughts at the time so that didn't help either.
My friend couldn't even describe to me what exactly this 'something' does, nor describe how much this 'something' intervenes in our lives. I wasn't sure what point he was trying to make and then he seemed to tell me he believes "just in case." I hate this argument. Doubt is doubt, and if there happens to be some god who is petty enough to punish you for doubt, you don't think he would see through your half hearted attempt to cover your bases? Surely someone who is smart enough to create the universe will see through your half ass attempt. If the god is not interactive in our day to day lives anyway, then I didn't understand how there could be any harm in not believing in him? If he is just there to stand back and watch, why does my acknowledgement even matter? I just don't get it. I don't see how not having a belief of some sort makes me have a piece missing. Then there raises a problem that what if you haven't acknowledged the right sort of god? Would he be mad? Do you get extra credit if you pick the right god? Do you get some credit if you aren't a silly atheist, I mean at least you were smart enough to believe in something!
Why would someone who is god need something as petty as validation? Why would a god go out of his way to make himself incredibly illusive and inaccessible only to want constant praise and acknowledgement? That never made sense to me, there is always the "free will" argument, but according to the bible Jesus himself still had his naysayers even with the "miracles" he performed. God interacting with people didn't seem to cure sin and there have always been non believers according to the bible. Sooooo.......my evidence is a 2,000 year old of book of inaccuracies and asinine stories, and their evidence was a dude walking on water. Hardly seems fair. Yes, I do have issues with theism. I cannot embrace a system where women are second class, homosexuals are evil, and you are guilty and worthy of hell simply for being born. I hate to see people living their life in preparation for their death.
To me life seems to be random and spontaneous. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes innocent people suffer, and 'evil' people prosper. I think a universe with 'something' out there would be a COMPLETELY different universe than the one we have. The more I understand science, the less I understand god. My friend was asking me about little feelings, I assume he meant our conscious. He was wondering where we get our instincts from, asking me where I thought we get our emotions from. All of our emotions are instruments to survival. Traits passed down to ensure our survival as a species. The reason so few of us are serial killers is because we lack the traits to be one. We feel empathy because empathetic people are more likely to care their loved ones. If we all want to kill each other, there's not much hope for us as a species. It really makes sense to me why we get "bad feelings" in our gut about certain things. I can also see these same traits in every living thing, each having its own way of sensing danger. We humans like to think we are oh-so superior and special, but we are not that much different from other species.
My friend tells me that we all need something to draw strength from. I understand this but when he said this I got a little angry. I was a bit touchy that day, and I do tend to get ranty when I think someone is trying to tell me what I should believe. I don't go to churches and slap bibles out of people's hands, or visit theist websites to tell them they are wrong and silly. You don't need a god to have something to draw strength from. If you want to use a god, to each their own, but you don't need a god in order to do that. I draw strength from knowing that my life is my own. I draw strength from knowing that I can strive to be whatever I want. I draw strength from knowing the world is filled with endless possibilities. I draw strength from knowing there are a lot people who are far less fortunate than me, yet they keep striving and doing the best with what they've got. I draw strength from my husband, my best friend and truly one of my heroes. I draw strength from knowing where I have been and that I survived. I draw strength when I see the goodwill and kindness of humanity. Most importantly, I draw strength from my children. They give my life more purpose than one could imagine. Their love is what keeps me uplifted sometimes. I want to be a good example for them, to love them, to teach them, to protect them the best I can, to never be far from them. I want them to feel loved and secure. My children are my salvation.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Let There Be Light
I don't really know where to begin. I decided to start this blog as a way to vent, relate, and gather some new ideas. Only nobody is even reading. Yet. I've learned a lot of things this year. I have learned that I have not been eating real food. Worse, I have been feeding my children "edible food-like substances." You know what I'm talking about...... Kraft mac and cheese, Tyson chicken nuggets, Froot Loops, Twinkies. I have even reheated our food in plastic containers. Please don't judge me. I know that things need to change, and I am changing them. But this blog isn't just about food and what we eat. It's about kids, love, separation, natural parenting, green living, atheism, and ME.
I am 29 years old, I have four kids. I am still married but we are separating. My husband is still my bestest friend, and we still love each other. But things are complicated. I won't go into why things are complicated right now, but lets just say that it was my fault. All my fault. I am moving out in a week with my oldest two kids, and our twin boys. I will be on my own, raising four kids in a new city. Either I'm brave or crazy, but I'll write about it either way.
I am 29 years old, I have four kids. I am still married but we are separating. My husband is still my bestest friend, and we still love each other. But things are complicated. I won't go into why things are complicated right now, but lets just say that it was my fault. All my fault. I am moving out in a week with my oldest two kids, and our twin boys. I will be on my own, raising four kids in a new city. Either I'm brave or crazy, but I'll write about it either way.
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